I looked forward to my son going to kindergarten.  Hey, its nearly all day, low fuss, no muss, much easier than whats been.  He's been going to daycare since 6 weeks old.  At 3 he started staying home with his dad who was working nights but he was going to nursery school part day a few days a week (couldn't take this social kid totally out of socializing).  Then last year he did 2.5 hour pre-k each weekday.  I really couldn't imagine being one of those weepy kindergarten mom's.  I felt bad for them, but couldn't really understand what all the crazy preparation, mental and backpackish, was all about.

Well.

D started kindergarten Tuesday.  Today, 2 days later, is the first I think I can post about it.  Maybe.  Ok, still getting teary and sniffly.

It took me sitting at work all day Tuesday feeling sick and weepy, most of the evening prying at his thoughts with a barrage of questions and all of bedtime staring at him to realize what it was.

This is the first thing that is totally HIS.




He gets himself up and ready to go (mommy is too sick in the a.m. to be supermom) and is usually waiting at the door for me to walk him to school.  Today I was so non-functional he had "gorilla bars" (granola bars) in each pocket to eat on our 15 min walk.  He remembers to put his lunch (packed the night before by himself) in his messenger bag, remembers to take his communication folder, remembers his "canteen".  Yesterday when he forgot his lunch box at school and his dad said "we'll get it tomorrow" he staged a sit in on the sidewalk until dad agreed to let him go back and get it because "Mommy said I'm responsible for not losing my reusable containers!".

We don't get to go in the school at drop off or pick up like pre-k.  No chatting with the teacher.  No judging the days events by the moods of the crowd of kids in the room.  No details on his day from the teacher (just a green, yellow or red square on his behavior calendar - 1 green, 1 yellow so far lol).  No being able to tell if he was comfortable, hot or cold, tired or alert, etc.  Happy or sad, surrounded by friends or lonely.

Phew, back after a sniffly break.

Gah.  Maybe its too soon to post.  Should have stopped at 3 kleenex lol.

Anyway, its all his.  He's absolutely LOVING it.  He calls to let me know daddy got him ok at pick up ask what he may have for a snack and then hangs up on me when I try and ask a question.

Last night I learned my lesson.  Didn't ask a darn thing just said "Hope you had a great day at school...." and told him some of the highlights of my day.  Then at bedtime he decided he wanted to talk about his day. 

New lesson for tonight - he'll be really chatty when he thinks he gets to stay up later, go to bed earlier.

I'm learning.  I might learn faster if I could get over the little grieving spell though :(

Lol :)

I recently moved.  I wanted my son to go to a great school.  Now they are talking about closing his school and sending the kids to the school I moved AWAY from.  To just really top it off, last night the school was named a Blue Ribbon School.  You can opposed NCLB and testing and all that but I think this is an amazing accomplishment for such a small town school in an area hit hard by recession for decades not just recently.

So I am in protest momma mode.

If you know ANYTHING about opposing a school closing please give me a shout.

If you follow the newspaper link you will see we have signs (I bought one then gave another donation for them to buy more and give to people w/o the funds to buy their own), a petition and I'm working on checking pricing on pre-printed postcards to flood the board members with and someone has applied for a rally permit.

Any other ideas or advice is VERY welcome.


After 3 months of work and work and work - last night school board votes 6-3 to keep the school open!

Leaving this up here in case anyone else ever searches Gaia for some help on the topic - feel free to contact me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can laugh about this a little later.  And I think I should share some of our not great moments.  Because I think the worst is where we learn the most, find the most humor and can really SEE things kwim?

My post about this morning to some friends (on a crappy hurried up morning):

I stayed up too late watching some dumb movie - Michael Clayton.  So then I overslept this a.m.  DS is beyond uncooperative, a very not nice A-word (ok, asshole) almost slipped out of my mouth a couple of times.  This morning is dragging so bad I look at the clock like every minute and think "no way!".  Tonight is going to be no fun either as it'll just be a battle w/ ds - his assignment (no t.v., no toys until complete) is to draw out the steps of getting himself ready in the a.m.

Here is how it went:

Me:  D.  No playing, no t.v., no outside tonight until you make a picture chart of everything you are supposed to be doing to get yourSELF out the door in the morning.

DS:  Mom, wouldn't it just be easier for me to take pictures...YOU take my picture....Yeah!"

Me:  No.

DS:  Why not?

Me:  How would that help you think about what you need to be doing?

DS:  Well if thats the point...but it would have been easier and more fun...you coulda taked a picture of me PEEING!!!! <insert maniacal laughter here>

Me:  OMG, get your ass in the car.


I think while he is working on his morning readiness pics I'll be reflecting on how NOT to be a crabby mom in the morning, put my dvd player in a box and bury it in a closet (that thing just keeps me up, at least books let you get sleepy) and for real working on swearing around my son less.

This came in my mail, I guess saturday, while we were out galavanting.

Maybe because I watched it while very sleepy, but all I could think of in the end was "where would the world be if all the children were taught to love instead of hate". (not just these children either - I see it here in my town)

After watching my son gather other children in love and exploration (he seems to do this wherever we go) for most of the afternoon, it was really a sad way to end the day.

I'll put some pics of the day up over in my photos of our day, probably some time today.

I've always understood that my son is a mirror of myself.  I've always been sensitive.  I've always seen the same sensitivity in him.  I used to worry about it.  So I worked hard on making him a little more capable, even at an early age, of managing his sensitivity.  Mostly just talking, sharing Aha! moments and watching other people.

To be honest, just because I am sensitive doesn't mean I am sweet.  I am probably the moodiest person on the earth that isn't medicated or institutionalized.  I can always see when I am getting ridiculous just by what my son is reflecting back to me.

Sometimes its scary how easy he is to manipulate by being different myself - when he's grumpy I can just be silly for a second and voila, whole new kid.  Then sometimes he pulls some stubborness out and its hysterical to feel him throwing me for a loop and doing the unexpected.  Its not fun to watch him reflecting his father but at least its easy to get him to switch gears for mommy time.

Lately with the stress of starting school I've tried being very calm, very even and very cuddly with him (because he's been so upset that Mrs. J isn't like Mrs. G his pre-k teacher, all lovey and snuggly).  Its been a struggle because I've not been feeling calm, even and cuddly.  I've been feeling pretty much the opposite.

I've also been very observant and unattached a lot in the evenings, letting him act out his little drama's, because it gives me a great picture of his day without having to 'grill' him (which if you read back to the first day wasn't a very good idea).

I think round about last weekend and more so this week, I've been noticing him mimicking his teacher.  Some of the things he says as Mrs. J are... well, um,.... not nice.  I think it could just be how he perceives things she says which might really not be what she is saying (jeesh I hope not).

But last night was kind of the final straw.  I've put up now for at least 5 days of my child trying to admonish me in a grown up way and not understanding what he was doing.  I've put up with him assigning me green, yellow or red square on the behavior calendar for the evening simply based on did I do what he wanted (i.e. give him dessert first, let him run with the scissors...whatever).  Last night he starts to yell at me. 

"You are not listening!  You are not completing the assignment!  You are ruining everyone else's time!  Thats it!  You are NOT a part of the K-team!"  I think my eyes must have shown how shocked I was because his face instantly melted from nasty looking to like he was going to cry.

I asked him why he was yelling at me and he said "Thats what Mrs. J tells us to do to ____ when he wouldn't finish tracing his letters (not putting kids names in here)."  I said "WHAT?" 

Well, long story short.  Thats not precisely what Mrs. J says for the other kids to do to their classmates but that is how my little walking mirror is reflecting it.

I've decided to just sit on the whole deal for a bit because I'm just {can't even think of words here}.

I do appreciate the times I see him expressing himself very well and I can see he is mimicking Mrs. J  I do appreciate how he is trying to incorporate his lessons into his life at home.  Its how he absorbs things instead of just 'learning' them.  But this...

I simply left him with "I know I've told you that you MUST listen to your teacher but I've been teaching you since you could talk to think for yourself.  You know what nasty is.  Are you a nasty kid?  Be true to yourself."

We'll see how it goes.

I am really lovign myGaia page.  I check it first thing each day.  But this morning I finally saw something that made me think "share!".

There is a wonderful quote by Paulo Coehlo that can be taken so many different ways.

"Anyone who has known happiness will never again be able humbly to accept sadness."

If you had shared that quote with me a year or even two ago, I would have shared "oh I KNOW!  Its why I get so crazy trying to get people to listen, its why I always feel so impatient, its why I always am avoiding unpleasantness, its why I always try and cheer everyone else up".

Over time, over the hills over overwhelming joy and through the valleys of deep sadness, I've come to realize that its more appropriate for me to now think of such a quote focusing on "humbly" or "accept".

I no longer accept sadness.  I appreciate it.  I no longer humbly do anything.  I celebrate everything.

Its the surest way and the fastests (is that a word?) way to get back to soaring over the happy hills.

Just because an experience, a moment or a feeling hurts doesn't mean it lacks value.