Loving through Loss

Ahhh.  Its been too long since I last blogged :)  I've been busy being.

I did want to post here, not that I think anyone still reads here, so I can remember these thoughts some time from now.

Its one thing to grieve a dead loved one.  You loved, you have happy memories, or maybe unresolved issues but eventually you come to accept and remember fondly.

But its so hard to keep loving someone who hurts you, someone who leaves your life yet it is a similar grieving process without the same end result.

Until recently I didn't even think I was capable of that.  Disappointment, anger, hurt, some other feeling always got in the way.  Eventually, if there must still be periodic contact with someone you might be able to be polite but to still love them?  Fully, respectfully, they themselves as they are?

Today I can honestly say I've now done it twice.  Ohhhh.  I know. Big deal.

But it is to me.  My son's dad has been my biggest source of grief for at least 5 years now.  This weekend something in me finally let go.  I don't know where it went but it went.  And all of the sudden I see how easy it is to love him for him.  I also finally see how I never stopped judging him despite being apart and it being none of my business.  Now I see how I don't even have to like someone to send them some love (which seems easy to do when you don't have so much of yourself invested in "them" whoever they may be - like sending prayers or good vibes or whatever to afflicted or sufferers or persecuted far away).  I don't have to "approve" of who they are because that is the greatest unfairness.  I've been struggling with this for a long time.  Some days it was very easy to feel benevelent and forgiving and other days it was impossible to get past being aggravated and feeling agrieved.

I think that occurred, after all this time, because another loved one, my best friend - the best friend I've ever had, all of a sudden and without explanation "unfriended" me.  Just a brief note saying no more.  Its taken me a little while to sort through my feelings.  My initial anger reaction lasted all of maybe 30 seconds.  But the rest, the sadness, the disappointment, the longing to connect being locked up, has taken time.  And in the end I've come to realize its much less painful if I just continue to love him and sort of send him my loving thoughts if not by phone, in person or through email just out of my heart and in his direction.  Its almost as if I've unclogged an important part of me, a part that when backed up with love unreceived actually causes me pain, mental/emotional/physical.  So if I just send it out anyway and not let the love get clogged its very ??? - lightens me.

And its probably slightly delusional but I've convinced myself he'll receive it to, without having to be conscious of it and hopefully that means he'll always be loved no matter what else he may be going through.

How much energy does everyone in the world expend in dealing with ended relationships?  What would it take for everyone not to see them as a loss but as an evolution to a new kind of love, the kind that isn't consciously received but still sent, still felt instead of loss and pain?