I've intended to write this blog post pretty much since I joined zaadz and never thought I was in the frame of mind to get out what I wanted to say.

The short version:

Treasure even something as simple as walking and do not take it for granted.  The post needs to be here to remind me should I ever forget.  Don't take even the simplest thing for granted.

:)

The long version:

My entire life I have enjoyed walking.  When I was young, my parents would take us "to the woods" for walks.  We always thought these were HUGE explorations.  We got little backpacks with snacks, these Gob sort of cookies and an empty bag to bring back treasures.  I vaguely recall my Dad trying to "teach" us about trees and identifying them, animal tracks, how to see something hiding by not focusing on where we were looking, etc.  My brother always took the walks very seriously.  I think my sister was only 1/2 present and mostly irritated.  Me?  I always enjoyed the walks but on my own terms vs. "with" my family.  I wanted to sit and ponder a strange pattern in some bark.  I wanted to lay down and stare into the canopy of the trees.  And I wanted my zillion questions answered not just the ones my parents knew the answers to.  The absolute BEST walks were always in the presence of grandparents though,  my Dad's parents up near Cooks Forest and my Mom's parents closer to Pittsburgh but still within convenient distance to cool places like creeks, parks and rocky paths.  Walks with grandparents had less purpose and a better adult:child ratio.  Walks with grandparents didn't even have to entail actual walking as we mooched shoulder rides or enjoyed a tractor ride through the woods just as much.

As we grew up, the walks waned.  I preferred running, not fast but not too far, my pace and long enough.  Then biking caught my interest.  My brother and sister developed their own interests and the family walks disappeared.

Once in college I was horrified with how much walking was required.  Was their intention that I had to run from one end of campus to the other between EVERY class?  Did you know that nearly every bit of un-flat land in Lawrence County, PA is smack dab on the SRU campus requiring an uphill climb or a downhill slide (in winter esp) no matter where you went?  I was too busy learning, too busy experiencing to be bothered enjoying walking.  Until I took a class called "Outdoor Adventure".  Everyone laughed at me but I fell in love with this class.  It was my childhood loves rekindled.  Oh, ok, I didn't kayak as a child and our bouldering wasn't really rockclimbing when we were that young either.  But the grandest event in this class was a weekend in Allegheny National Forest.  During this weekend we put our learned skills to the test, I got sick, refused to pee in the woods and got soaked as it rained nearly the whole weekend.  But it was the best weekend of my many (too many past 4) years of college.  The professor for this class split the group in two.  Half spent the first day with him and half the assistant then the groups swapped leaders for the second day.  At one point we were given an assignment to sit down, be quiet and think about (because we'd be required to write about) experiencing the natural environment.  To this day over a decade later, I still think about that day, sitting on a rocky outcropping, looking out over a beautiful valley but finding more beauty by closing my eyes and letting my other senses enjoy the experience as well.

You'd think such a moving experience would birth a habit, a permanent change.  But, unfortunately, it did not.  I got on with the business of getting an education and finding a job.  Life marched on in the ways expected of me.

Then I got sick (won't rehash too much, already wrote about in another blog post).  As my strength waned I wanted nothing more than to be able to carry my son and keep up with his toddling efforts.  As my strength, slowly (ARGH!), returned ~ surprise ~ my son's biggest joy in life was.... WALKING!  We didn't "hike", we merely walked around a little suburbia.  He was happy even just walking to the high school track and walking.  Little did I realize how restorative walking could be.  I was so happy to be out!  I was so happy to be moving!  Never again would I take such a simple thing for granted.  It was to be treasured!  As my endurance grew it seemed matched perfectly with my sons (sad I was just keeping up with a toddler but not sad).  We started driving to the places I loved to visit as a child.  Walking and hiking with him was a whole new experience as anyone who has hiked with kids will tell you.  Every small thing became a wonder.  Every vista required long periods of "Ahhhhhh.  Ohhhhhh!"  And I didn't ever once feel impatient, instead thankful that I could experience with him.

Then we moved.  I couldn't tell you how excited I was when I found out I was living two blocks from the start of an AWESOME trail system - the AVTA.  We got even luckier when we had a super mild spring.  We were hitting a trail every night, gradually lengthening our walks.  Soon we started having goals beyond exploring.  Once we'd been over the same section of trail enough times to have enjoyed and analyzed and Ooo'd over every possible thing we'd think "tomorrow to the 2 mile marker!".  And so the months wore on.  The views and experiences were incredible.  Then just as summer was gearing up and we were contemplating dismissing a little experience for distance and biking to a "goal", I hurt my foot on a hike to the Belmar Bridge and home, a round trip, about 10 mile hike.

I was so upset.  I swore "I wasn't taking it for granted!", "Why now!" and moped for a few days.  My foot was totally useless.  Finally giving in to a doctor visit assured me it wasn't broken, probably just strained.  So I followed orders and rested, bought good inserts for my shoes and started taking baby steps again, walking a block or two and moping some more.  My foot never did get much better, later found out I tore some tendons, they gave me some big ski boot looking thing to wear and pump air into.   I looked at it and thought NO WAY. 

But yes way!  It got me moving again.  Just in time to wind down summer with some good hikes around Presque Isle and my local trail.

Even though I look funny and walk funny, you can't imagine how lucky I feel to even have one more step to take, to enjoy things with my son - another generation of the family who enjoys walks.

Today, I was reminded again to write these thoughts down because we received sad news of a family member passing away - another walker.  And again I am reminded of how precious each new day is, every opportunity to explore around me anew and to share such wonderous things with my son.  If you like, the pic of my son and his Great Uncle are in my pics... on one of their walks with a couple of the women in their life... but I am leaving this blog with a pic of an empty trail, not to mourn or evoke sadness but to encourage others and to remind myself there are too many trails to walk to be too sad.

All walking is discovery. On foot we take the time to see things whole. ~ Hal Borland

Walking is a blessing.  ~ H D Thoreau

It is not talking but walking that will bring us to heaven. ~Matthew Henry

He who limps is still walking. ~ Stanislaw Lec

There are a lot of pods and info on zaadz re "eco", "green", "organic", etc.  But there was a new pod on the front pod page today that made me just "Whooohoooo!".

They are seeking green companies, green products and "greenies" to PARTICIPATE!  I love their message of participation and their energy.  So if you have time and you have a green passion or just a passing interest check out the G Living pod for the site and to promote your Green favorites!

No matter what level "green" you've achieved you can learn or inform in the forums as well.

Moly! I've been so busy enjoying zaadz its been a while since I visited some of my other favorite haunts.

One question that seems to be a "what is the sound of one hand clapping" sort of question, to me at least, is to judge the benefits of collectivism vs. individuality.  From politics to education to health care "society" likes to group "beings" and to me it seems the individual is left either having to work to assert oneself or give in and just be gobbled up.  Then you throw in the reflections of "we are all one" and I could go to sleep while my brain works on it all.

And as I tend to go at things from my own P.O.V. I generally just absorb such arguments as others might make and let my own thoughts stir the mix.

Anyway, what started my blathering today?  Yesterday, too late to blog about here, I went back to visit a fave site of mine Edge and found a semi-interesting essay but an even more interesting discussion with so many branches it seems it will take me forever to climb.

If you are in to such things, maybe you'll enjoy Jaron Lanier's essay on "Digital Maoism" but I bet you'd enjoy the collected discussions at the end even more.

I work for a company that sells newspapers.  Once in a great while we get something sent to us intended to be published in a newspaper like someone bought a mailing list for papers.

What came today?  And actually wound up on my desk instead of the usual place?

:)

A flyer for the Sacred Arts Festival 2006 in Phoenixville, PA 10/6-10/7.

:)

Come on.  That is serendipity.

Sadly the website mentioned in the flyer isn't working.  I'll check back and include a hyperlink if it ever does work.

Will probably pop over to the PA zangha people and let them know as well.

It looks VERY interesting "interfaith and multicultural" and the descriptions seem to support that.

Til the link works, if you want more info, there is an email on the flyer:

bdoyle  @  netscape.com  (whoops, eliminate the spaces to get the real email addy)

I'm actually thinking that might be worth the drive across state.  Wishing Brenda the best of luck and much success with her festival.

Something can be as serendipitous as walking along, spying a piece of paper and actually looking at it instead of walking by. I was going to my car yesterday. Emerged from the stair well at the 5th floor of the parking garage and noticed a piece of paper, folded in half with writing on it flapping in the wind but trapped against the wall. There was a LOT of handwritten lines on it. At the top was written "Wild Geese" by Mary Oliver. Now for some reason that phrase tickled something in my memory. I have yet to figure out what. So I picked up the paper and read the words (which I later had to look up online):

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
For a hundred miles through the desert repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting-
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

Finally seeing them in their intended form vs. scribbled across paper moved me even more. Intrigued, I clicked through dozens of pages of google hits and couldn't find what I thought I remembered. Saw sources, saw critiques, saw homework reports. But nothing citing where I may have seen these words.

But they did move me, as they must have once before, because in them I recognize so much of me and a message I seem to repeat in my interaction with others. Eschew defined "goodness" and instead love yourself the way you are. Honor all that is in you. How many times have I used my own experiences and little lessons to share some of these basic truths ~ such as no matter who or what you are you have a place in the world but a place of your chosing, you merely have to Choose.

Someone else this morning told me that I am this, that basically it seems to be what I am meant to do - listen and let people unburden. Maybe that is why these words resonate with me. But I don't recognize it as a way to be I guess. My first instinct is to wonder... why doesn't everyone think like this? Why doesn't everyone take the time to listen? Why do I and why do others feel like there always has to be a response or advice instead of a mutual unburdening. If we really listened without formulating a reply while listening would we hear something different? Something to sympathize with? Something to learn from? Is any reply ever really needed? And if a reply were needed wouldn't someone say "Well, what do you think?"

So, from this serendipitous lesson I am going to begin working on listening better and trying to stop always thinking someone wants a reply or advice or anything other than someone to listen.

In an earlier blog, I shared a little of my own experience with Autoimmune Diseases.  It was a story.  Now for some facts.

I had Grave's Disease.  I am still dealing with Thyroid Eye Disease, an associated disorder.  I also have Celiac Disease.  I have loved ones and friends with some of these or other autoimmune diseases.  In fact, it amazes me, that once you are brave enough to say "I have this autoimmune disease, anyone else dealing with it?" the sheer number of people you already know who also have one or two or know someone who does.  All the time people are seeing something I've written and saying "hey, I know you.  I didn't know that!  Me too."  I have a professional bb I visit and when I posted a rant about not being able to find good GF bread in the recipe forum (yes we don't just work there :) so many people spoke up.

While I was living through the Grave's Disease morass, I couldn't imagine researching the way I did once I started the recovery process.  There were so many things I found later that I wish I knew earlier.  So I am always very happy to be able to share a helpful resource with someone on request.  One person, having been diagnosed Celiacs in her childhood was still living under the mistaken assumption she had to just be miserable everyday, there was nothing she could do.  No one had even explained alternative diets to her.  They originally even commented that she would outgrow it.  Into her 50s now she's pretty sure she isn't outgrowing it.  Well of course I was armed with links galore, cookbooks and recipes to share.  Happily, she is now doing better and we share frustrated vents about GF food :)  But I wonder, why she couldn't get to that on her own?  She's a VERY smart lady, very resourceful.  ???  But you know, when you are just trying to get through one more day because you feel SO lousy, you do not have the energy to educate yourself to make the changes you need let alone actually make them.  I know that.  I knew that.  But still, now, later, healthier, I sometimes forget how that felt.  You know, you are either still struggling with normal people's expectations or your own desire to be normal and can't see you need to redefine normal for yourself. 

I try not to act like I can redefine normal for anyone else going through this.  I try not to preach.  But I am passionate about the state of knowledge about living with an autoimmune disease.  I am also passionate about the sad state of research in this area.  And mostly, I am passionate about caring for anyone else, even if only one person at a time, going through this.  I understand and want to help.  But those who need the help the most aren't going to find it, me or whatever they need. 

So.  I am posting the following information with the hopes that anyone here in this wonderful group of zaadzsters who are sick and don't know why, who are living with an autoimmune disease, or who love someone with one will see and share.  Its the entirety of the information I've saved whittled into what I think are the best resources to get started on learning what one needs to know to change.  I hope just by having it here one person might be helped (thats why I kind of do this every where I go now :)

Make sure you scroll down the entire page of this site on autoimmune disease.  The books recommended are good but so are the journals and other things waaaay down bottom.  Nice site since it doesn't just focus on popping some pills, surgical options or "stress" being to blame.

I used to think this link summary site was a good one.  But then I found this one and became a little unsure which to recommend.  I think if I were just starting all over the Stanford one would be easier to use.

And if, like me, you can't just give up or give in because you support yourself or in my case myself and a baby and you just HAVE to figure out a way to keep going but don't know how, try this site on Monster of all places.  Just found it recently and it blew my mind how on the money they are, how thorough they were in finding the most helpful links and how "normal" just the articles existence can make you feel :)  Dan Woog, the article's author, has my undying gratitude  and he's my new idol!  His compassion for a topic not exactly his pet topic is inspiring.

And last but not least, once I was post-surgical with the Grave's Disease and was learning to live again THEN found out I had Celiacs I really was hungry to learn.  I searched the web over, kept a list of books, then hit the local library's help desk.  Like my little home town library would have them....but, the helpful librarians found the books I wanted and requested them from libraries all over the state.  This time I think I did a better job.  I didn't focus on only the autoimmune disease I was experiencing at the time (as I did with the Grave's and the NGDF) but on autoimmunity in general.  I learned much more this way.  I put the ones I thought worth mentioning (meaning I actually read them through cover to cover without dropping them with disgust, meaning I actually wanted to write their titles down to remember) on my zBooks shelf and gave them their own list.  Some I agreed with.  They got 4 stars.  Some I didn't.  They got 2 stars.  But I learned from each and every one of them.  But, as I am sure as with everything else in the world, you will identify with the one telling you what you need to hear.  Most of all I think I needed to lose the "victim" mentality of being sick (I wasn't THAT bad but it was there once in a while) so I enjoyed and treasure most the time I spent reading "Thriving With Your Autoimmune Disorder: A Woman's Mind-Body Guide".

Maybe from time to time as I help people and discover something new and wonderful I'll blog about it or return here and add it as a comment.  But I would like to ask that if you read this blog and benefit from it or have questions, please mail me BUT, then, be sure to leave your comment with your own recommendation of a favorite resource(s) because only by sharing with each other and increasing awareness and helping each other sort through the heaps of information (good and bad) will this ever get any easier for "the next guy".

Mu!  Thank you!

For your blog post thats zipping around the pods (and that is just where I finally caught on lol) on healing from within to without.

My heart used to break every day leaving my son for a 10 hour day at daycare.  Then I had the opportunity for him to stay home all day nearly all of this year.  But I could see he missed having playmates.  After trying library story time, informal gatherings at the playground and short organized sports groups through the Y, I could see it just wasn't enough and that my son might really enjoy some more "kid" time.

So, we decided he is going to go to preschool and hopefully that will be economical enough and enough "kid" time.

Reflecting back on daycare I realized how wonderful the experiences were for him.  He had plenty of quality mommy time even though it looks impossible.  But I have to wonder, if he hadn't been in daycare when he was, would he be as expressive as he is, would he speak as well as he does, would he be as gregarious as he is.... and alot more.  I guess I will never know but I guess it doesn't matter.  This could have been his natural personality or it could have been acquired through good care (we'll skip the stuff that made mommy mad).  But either way he is a great kid.

Last night I tried to make it seem more like a new "school" adventure because I could see my son's worry when he asked "you're not staying there with me?".  So I explained its only 2.5 hours, its only a couple days a week.... 

:(  I think I did too good of a job.  I was braced for the crying, pleading "please don't leaves" that happened when he used to go to daycare or when he first started staying home with his dad but this morning he bounced in to school like he'd been there forever and as the teacher stopped me to give me some papers, my son took off and forgot about me.  Before leaving I waved and said bye not wanting him to think I'd abandoned him but all I got was a wave. 

I walked out crying with the desk attendant "awwing" behind my back.

I'm more attached to my son than he is to me and I thought that wouldn't happen until he was much much older.  He's not even 4 yet.

His dad consoled me with "you've done so well nurturing his independent spirit, be proud not sad".  And that helped a little bit.

But I was still anxiously awaiting a phone call when school let out to tell me about his first day and it never came.  I lasted a good hour before I caved and called home.  I got an auctioneer-speed recap that I understood 4 words of before I got "Gotta go eat lunch and color my papers for school bye!". {click}  I sat there staring at the phone and his dad called me back to explain that since he missed orientation he had papers to color for "his book" they were to bring the first day with them and he was excited and that he didn't even want to play so it wasn't just me, it was the toys being brushed off too.  Before he hung up my son got back on and says "I promise, I'll show you when you come home so don't be LATE!".

At least he'll still share his excitement with me.  At what age does that stop?  I need to do some thinking and prepping for that one :)

This a.m. while going through my emails I came across a blog entry email from JohnD's blog where he discussed censorship.  Of course I posted a comment because I think this has been a recurring themed lesson in my life.  Don't we all have to learn how best to use our power of speech?  Aren't we all lucky we have the freedom of speech?  Then I came across another email from a daily site called Daily Om.  I usually get 2 emails from them for the day.  The actual Daily Om.  Today's was about Walking through Doors.  Made me pause and think about all the different doors opening in my life at the moment as well as open doors I slammed shut in ignorance.  But more interestingly, when I opened my daily horoscope from Daily Om it was about Love in Words.  I don't know how to link it to here so I am just copy/pasting.  Hope that is ok.  It speaks to the subject much more eloquently than I can:

Love In Words
Pisces Daily Horoscope

A loving mood may come over you today as you interact with people whose company you enjoy. Whether you are surrounded by the comforts of home or enjoying the stimulating energy of your workplace, you will likely find yourself compelled to take those people you care for and respect aside in order to tell them how much they mean to you. You are likely in a demonstrative mood and ready to express your affections freely, even if rejection is a very real possibility. As you put your adoration and esteem into words, you may discover that others respond to your ardent declarations by returning your sentiments. The closeness you share with people in your professional and domestic spheres will likely be enhanced with each loving expression you share.

When we put our feelings into words, we do our part to ensure that the people we care about never have any cause to doubt the strength of the bonds we share. Though loving deeds carry significant weight, loving sentiments spoken aloud are a gift whose effects last long after silence has returned. Words touch the heart and kindle the spark of tenderness within the individuals most important to us. Our willingness to freely speak our feelings demonstrates that we take pride in our relationships and openly appreciate the connections we share with others. Our loved ones find inspiration in our declarations of affection, drawing soulful sustenance and intense joy from them. Your loved ones will feel the strength of your adoration today when you share your feelings in words.


My own thoughts on JohnD's blog, my dailyom horoscope and all is that this doesn't have to only apply to loved ones.  When we temper another's profanity with words of understanding and love we give them another way of speaking to emulate and hopefully adopt. 

So I decided to explore my local blog land and see what was out there and much to my surprise there are a few interesting blogs for/about where I live.  On the sidebar of one a local teacher keeps up with students as they take off for bigger and better things.

As I was clicking around I found Jessica Lee and thought she was a wonderful example of the zaadz spirit right in my own back yard (well, sort of). 

Now if I could only figure out where else to share her story on zaadz.  :s  Well, this is a start.

I just love how serendipitous everything here is!  Just makes me giggle and smile.

Today I'm adding two books I got to my book list and see Mountain's Stillness, River's Wisdom by new zaadzster Phil.

Has it come through on my blog or in a combo of my pod posts and blogs that the whole Mountain, River Wisdom healing thing is where I am right now?

I'm am SO excited to read this book!  Can't figure out a way to make it look like I'm dancing in this blog.

Then I'm thinking "WOW!  How long has it been since I looked at a book and got excited?"  Thats kind of sad?  I wonder how my life would change if I only read books that got me this excited?

Anyway, had to share to spread the seeds and serendipity and all :)

Anyone want to share "What book excited you, even before you read it?"

Work got super busy and the evenings have been packed as well!  Phew, I'm tired.  Whoohoooo for the weekend!