I already shared this on the Parenting Instruction Manual pod just because it kind of fits there but I also wanted to post it here to share:
My son has always had a problem with patience. Then again, I have too but for 30 some years vs. 3 :)
I never even realized my lack of patience until I had my son. As his sensitive personality emerged it hurt to see the effect my impatience had on him. He was a very good mirror. He even magnified how impatience was disrupting harmony in other areas of my life and interfering with my natural tendency toward simplicity and joy. Somewhere along the way I picked up a more irritated version of impatience instead of a more exuberant type impatience. Instead of merely being "unable to stand the wait" til something fun (planned trip or whatever) I was becoming irritated in too many situations requiring patience.
Instead of trying to learn about how to teach him patience I targeted my own impatience. My natural inclination in such a situation would be to read, read, read about it, scope out the world wide web and force some change. But in this case, I decided since it was my son that shed light on my impatience I'd turn to him for a lesson instead.
My first step was the easiest. Recognizing my impatience at the moment. He'd already illustrated it for me. At this point some people might use breathing, some people might use a short meditation or some other technique. But for me the next step to stop the impatience was to appreciate. I think I am a thankful person the majority of the time. Heck some days I'm thankful just to be breathing :) But that tendency would get lost in moments of impatience. So I turned back to appreciating which came naturally to me.
Appreciating has taken on new forms. Now I can appreciate the moment more. Now I can appreciate his feelings in new ways even when it doesn't seem like something to appreciate (like a tantrum :). Now I can appreciate almost any scene, scenario or situation. Used to be I turned to nature when I felt frustrated and knew I needed to get back to appreciating, appreciating a vista, a small flower, varying hues of green. Now I can appreciate moments in a grocery store with a long line and a tired cranky kid. Now I can even appreciate someone else having a moment in a grocery store with a long line and a tired cranky kid and look on and smile and send out silent wishes for peace and happiness instead of catching the contagion of a frustrating situation. Kids aren't only cute and precious when sleeping or smiling. I've seen some cute little ones this past week who were very adorable when screaming their heads off. And the realization made me think of my kid in a new light. Instead of judging him as difficult in such situations I've learned to look past the behavior of the moment and look into HIM and its made such situations infinitely easier to deal with. Being so intuned really helps me find the appropriate and least negative way to handle myself (can't really say handle him :). If you were in the "partners" thread I commented on this "pulling in" instead of "pushing".
The lesson could end there I guess. Except my sensitive son never lets things just be, he always craves further understanding. For me that might mean learning something new from a book (like along the lines of The Selfish Gene or something in psychology) but being that this lesson was from him I thought about how he learns without being able to read or surf the net. He observes and feels then thinks and absorbs. And repeats and repeats and repeats. I'm almost sure this is the natural state of learning and I'm even more almost sure this used to be the way I learned before being processed through a "school system" which steadily taught a different way to learn.
So for our lessons in patience I appreciated the opportunities to observe more closely. I appreciated the opportunity to permit and honor whatever feelings he or I had. And just like my son I thought about it, in the moment and also later, because doesn't everything look different later? Then I absorbed. So as not to overburden my son with my own problems I journaled in a section of my notes just for my patience lessons. At this point in his process he shares. He talks and talks and talks and asks questions and gets very descriptive. I do think it is important for our kids to see our thought processes in action so I would share some of this occassionally and mostly when he asked or was scrutinizing me :) I think the absorbing was the best part. As I let the lessons become part of me I could let go of the specifics and just learn a new way of 'being'.
Now I'm left with debating whether or not to 'let go' of the journal of this process or not.
I'm sure the lessons will handle the 'repeat, repeat, repeat' part of my son's process themselves :)
Ironic or not, my son seems to have learned his patience lesson better or faster than I. I still feel physical 'symptoms' of impatience before progressing through the process to the 'absorb' stage. You know that antcy feeling, maybe queasiness if its an unpleasant or stressful situation. Even while my logical and emotional self is working it out. I've yet to either disconnect my more visceral reactions or absorb things to the physical level. But my son seems to have done so with no problem whatsoever. Yesterday, he got to go spend spare change my family had given him on his last visit on these $0.33 little airplanes. He had enough money for 6 of them. He was going to get them after dropping me off at work. I figured by the time I got home they'd all be open and he'd be played out for the day. I was really surprised when I got home that not a one had been open and while he would mention it to his dad like "I'm waiting for mommy to come and open the planes with me" he didn't have that antcy reaction he might normally have (literally dancing around the house, just jumping straight up and down in place with an uncontrollable giggle or inattention to everything else in his day). He merely would think about them and think about waiting, express it and get on with the fun of the day.
At first I questioned his dad thinking it was a forced patience or something he did to distract him to help him make it through the day. But nope, his dad assured me it was entirely of his doing. I believed it, seemed very natural. And it didn't diminish his excitement at getting to open them, assemble them and play with them with me one little bit.
So even when I think the lesson has been learned my little one shows me another - being patient doesn't have to mean losing that all out joyfullness or excitement. It only makes it that much easier to appreciate it.
Thanks my little D.
"I would warn you that I do not attribute to nature either beauty or deformity, order or confusion. Only in relation to our imagination can things be called beautiful or ugly, well-ordered or confused." ~ Baruch Spinoza
"I have often pondered over the roles of knowledge or experience, on the one hand, and imagination or intuition, on the other, in the process of discovery. I believe that there is a certain fundamental conflict between the two, and knowledge, by advocating caution, tends to inhibit the flight of imagination. Therefore, a certain naivete, unburdened by conventional wisdom, can sometimes be a positive asset. ~ Harish Chandra
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a smile
January 2009 
jdp
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